I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
