My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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