you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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