I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
then he tried to convert me to islam
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
