Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she peed on how many people?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
