im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I stole a fireplace last night.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
