I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
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I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize