Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
