there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
