i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
