we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize