Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
third nipple confirmed
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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