Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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