Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
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