i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
