this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
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i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
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I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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