I'm eating all of the evidence.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow