i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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