I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
