I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she smelled like a LAN party
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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