I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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