Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY