In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house