I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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