Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
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I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
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Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD