I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache