Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???