My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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