you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
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There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
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and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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