Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
