I CAN MOONWALK!
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
