Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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