I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
