Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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