He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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