I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
