Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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