You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
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Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
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You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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