I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
