Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
pray to the hookup gods
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
