Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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