i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
