I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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