I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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