note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
