Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
