The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
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I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There's always time for handjobs
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
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All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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