someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
