Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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