My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
