I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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