She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
