I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
