So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
this is an emotional support booty call
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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